(“SATIRE IS OUR MIDDLE NAME!!”)
“WHO are those little strange men, in your backyard?” Asked Carolyn, who had just come over again (like she has any other place to go, except hang out at malls, or go to a really drab and expensive (Williamelane in Springfield, thank you!)senior center, where you have to pay for every single thing you do! How do you seniors like that here? You got to pay for everything you do in a senior center, (which kind of negates the whole reason for a senior Center after all). You may as well join a fitness club, and hang out there and chat up the young people.
Or, you really wealthy people go out and play golf.I hate golf and I’m not wealthy. After all, I am a native of Oregon, and very few of us are even middle-class, let alone wealthy. – – And if we are forced to retire, like MOI, because of some physical disabilities, then you are kind of out of it.. You shouldn’t be living in Eugene Oregon, it has become for the very rich, and the very poor – – and nobody in between.
But Carolyn just saw the tiny little men,in my back yard, toiling away at my invincible blackberry bushes, which look like they are rolling towards the house, towards my back yard, like a very green tsunami.She looked at them,and said”What the Hell, did you capture a school room of DWARVES? I MEAN, “LITTLE PEOPLE”?Who the HECK ARE THEY?” She was mystified.And suddenly they commenced to start singing the song,they had been singing, before Carolyn arrived.
“Come back into the house,”I told her,and guided her back to the living room.”I’ll tell you the absolute truth.”.
“Carolyn,dear,”I began,”You have to keep this deal very secret.Otherwise, the guys’ real owner will find out I have them.”.”You mean they are SLAVES?.” She replied.”NOOO,” I said hastily.”Carolyn, they are OOM-PA-LOOM-PAS!”
I sighed heavily.”I borrowed them from a big chocolate factory in Washington state(I have relatives in WA, who knew about them,in that factory.)So I could not get KIDS to cut my bushes and blackberries,weeds,grass. ect.–and these “landscape people” here, want a fortune.The maintenance here drives me nuts!!(I probably will still have to buy a clipper,and do more myself,in the future.–even with my BAD FEET.)–So I borrowed these litttle,strong,hard-working OOM-PAH–LOOM-PAS to do a lot of landscape work,on my badly managed small place!!”
Carolyn looked askance at me,as we went in the living room,and sat down.”OOOM-PA-LOOM-PAS? I thought they were NOT REAL!!”
“They ARE real,”I explained.”Anthropology explorers found them,on an otherwise abandoned island; they were a real ANTHROPOLOGY BREAK THRU!! NO ONE had ever dreamed of real little people,and that candy factory owner(you remember his name?)needed economical workers very badly.HE had them first;their island was very dangerous,so they were glad to leave.My relative, who worked in the same factory, saw them,and told me;I offered them a “temp job” by luring them and cooking for them.–letting them bunk down in my spare room.
They REALLY LIKE MY COOKING, so much,I don’t have to pay them;(I offered to).Seems the FOOD in WA state is not so great.Other than the Tillamook CHEESE PLACE, there isn’t much good food around there.–So in return for all this work,I cook, (as well as I can) and feed them very well. They have already hunted down all the CHOCOLATE IN EUGENE.–so they like eating well,for a while,and I don’t mind playing Snow White and the 7 dwarves temporarily.”.
“Their factory home doesn’t feed them very well?”Carolyn asked.”They get enough to eat,but meals tend to be brewed like a porridge, or stew,in a big pot,never much different, with hard tack bread. I promised them Coq Au Vin,pies, beef roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, roast chicken,rack of lamb,stuff I tried to feed my old roommates with.–its easier priced in BULK,too.,They LOVE WINE,and that grocery outlet discount market, has good imported red wine.(they don’t care for white.)”
“We’ve been having a great time,”I continued”,they are like little kids,very sweet and harmless–They work so hard in that candy factory,for PEANUTS (literally) that a couple days doing landscaping, eating well,and building up a good BEER BELLY,is just what they seem to like.–very disciplined–responsible–some employer will find them,some day,and pay them what their industry is really WORTH.” I sighed.”How they ended up slaving in that chocolate and candy factory, is beyond me!!”
Carolyn stared at me;”I think they outta be in juvenile Hall,or Foster Parent care,”she replied.”Carolyn,they are NOT LITTLE KIDS,They just LOOK that way!!The only slight fault I can see, is they like to SING A LOT,but its usually while they work.–and whistle very beautifully. And ,Boy,can they WORK!!!They make the maintenance-yard people here, look like idling no-good-nicks. WHAT A WORK ETHIC THEY GOT!! I wish I could keep them, but their food supply couldn’t be kept up–they love to eat!!!–(You should hear the “BEER-DRINKING SONGS!!)”
Sure enough, the OOM-PAH-LOOM-PAHS had transformed not only my little back yard,they tackled the whole dead orchard,tons of blackberry bushes,swinging machetes all day long,until my whole back-piece of land was clean of blackberry bushes,and their roots.
–The only down side was, way in the back of my place,one of them found a DEAD BODY.We called the sheriff’s dept,they mumbled around, so no clues were ever protected.They thought it was a dead homeless person,who was sick,and had crawled into the blackberry bushes,to have some shelter.–and then died. The far back of my place had gotten trees and wee-d over-taken,a whole group of homeless could have died there,and I would never hear or see them.
But after the OOM-PAH-LOOM-PAHS Had rehabilitated my landscape,and I had kissed the bald spots good-bye,on their little balding heads,I did feel more alone.Who says a female can’t live with several “little people” in the house,feed em,(manage their paychecks a bit) try to do their laundry,(everything was SMALL,it was like toddler clothing!)–instead of living alone?Some of them tried to find jobs locally that PAID BETTER,but Eugene does not have that!! So most of em went back to the chocolate factory, in WA, where they merely got a scolding from the owner,but who was relieved to get them back.
After all, they DID GET PAID REAL PEANUTS!!Carolyn and I looked at their triumphant work;the whole place,and farther back,was clean of blackberries,weeds,ect. It was a BLOODY MIRACLE. Who says that miracles can’t happen,and you can’t get some real little people,to work for meals,stay in yer house, and do the jobs high school kids refuse to do in Eugene now!?Sigh.
It sounds like a bloody miracle,and if they did exist, the OOM-PAH-LOOM-PAHS would challenge the “unknown work ethic” in Eugene and Lane county,and would work for something I could AFFORD. Even the MORMONS don’t go around,now,doing good deeds for people in the neighborhood.–THEY QUIT. SIGH.I would have the OOM-PAH-LOOM-PAHS BACK, should my back yard go to overflow,again, any time.–and not charge extra for PIE. LOTS of pie!
(Sandraminadotty, flummoxed by Oregon mad blackberry–“Day of the Triffids”–type-over-growth,and trying to keep em back, NO success!!!)